pulse check

I was listening to iTunes on shuffle tonight while folding some laundry, and Train’s This Ain’t Goodbye came up on the queue. I haven’t thought about that song in forever, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. There was a time that I used to listen to that song quite a bit—not because I was sad or lonely or pining away for some boy, as the lyrics might suggest. I just liked it. A lot. I think it came to represent a feeling of contentment for me, and it involuntarily encapsulated an important era of my life—one that I often think back on. I like to call it The Era of Apt. #318. It was the year I turned 23, the year I met MJM, and the year I fell madly in love with my life. I felt good. I felt alive. I felt genuinely happy.

I wanted to reminisce back on that year, so I listened to Train’s song on repeat while I read back through this blog tonight. I wrote some things (—not that long ago!) that made me laugh a little, but I am so glad this record exists. It helped me recognize two important things:  

1) I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be madly in love with life. Lately, the highlight of my day is walking through the door each night because it means the day is over and that I survived. Unfortunately, The Era of Survival has lasted far too long. I was talking to my mom the other day about the winter blues. I have them pretty bad this year, and it’s discouraging to feel so low. I’m normally a pretty optimistic person, and it’s hard for me not to feel bad about feeling bad. It’s a rough cycle, and I’ve struggled to feel at peace.

2) However, as I read back through the things I had written over the years, I recognized that my life is so much better when I take the time to appreciate it. Out loud. Writing down what makes me happy extends the shelf life of my gratitude. And sharing those happy feelings with others makes me feel good. It’s a perpetual process of positivity—and it helps me keep pulse on what is really important.

I know the winter blues won’t last forever—but until the earth warms up for spring and I figure out the greater purpose of my life, I want to recommit myself to being grateful with the present moment, to being more creative, and to being in love with myself and my life. Because I deserve to be happy.